Merry Crapmas

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he’s sitting on my neighbor’s lawn in an inflatable helicopter. This is wrong.

I get the inflatable lawn ornaments. There’s just something about having a huge Santa standing in the middle of your grass. Then, come January, he folds up to nearly nothing to store away until next year.

It gets even better if you put Santa on a timer. This way every morning Santa slowly rises, swaying one way then another like a drunken sailor on shore leave, until at last he is fully erect and waving to the passing cars. Every night just after dark, the timer clicks and Santa starts to bob and weave again, finally passing out in a puddle of his own vomit. OK, the vomit part is just my imagination at work, but if you’ve ever watched an inflatable Santa call it a day it doesn’t take that much imagination to see him as passed out drunk.

The problem with the inflatables is that no one seems to know when to stop. Down the block last year was an abominable snow woman. At least, I think this is what it was. I lacked the courage to knock on the front door and ask why their snowman had a clear set of breasts, but no bra.

This year, at a different house is Santa-in-a-helicopter. I’m sorry, who thought this one up? I am thoroughly convinced that some Lillian Vernon employee said, ‘Boss, all we gots is Santas and Helicopters.’ and the reply was ‘limitations like that shouldn’t stop Christmas lawn art!’

To add to the problem, there is a complete Nativity scene about fifteen feet away.

You probably already figured out that I am not the most religious person, but why do I have more respect for your religion than you do? How do you become the kind of person who puts a Nativity scene on your lawn, but moves it out of the way for some bargain basement Franken-Santa inflatable???

And what will next year bring? Oh, I know there will still be snow globes with merry-go-round ponies and stars and elves in them. But what will the leftover combination be? My money is on Easter Bunnies with Santa hats and baskets with presents in them. This is sure to confuse small children everywhere.

For our yard, I don’t think I’m going to wait for the sale. I’m all set to slap a beard and hat on our inflatable St. Patrick’s Day leprechaun. He’s over six feet tall (one of the major points of appeal that pushed us to buy him) and he’s holding a beer mug! This way, when Santa passes out at the end of the day it’ll look realistic.

Remember, you’ll want to get a good head start on warping the holidays for next year. Be sure to purchase your leprechaun right after St. Patrick’s Day - this is when the party stores have the best prices. And just shoot me an email, I promise to direct you to the right places for the Beard and Hat conversion kits.

Merry Crapmas to all!

http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=santa+helicopter&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=2196346991&ref=pd_sl_7zoyxi8znv_b

http://www.google.com/products?q=inflatable+santa+lawn&hl=en&show=dd