BEA or bust - Part 7

BEA or bust -
The trip to Book Expo 2008

Day 6 - the way home - 4pm


Do not attempt to drive in LA between the hours of four and . . . well, ever. We were packed up and back on the road. The bumper to bumper traffic of the millions who had wised up that weekend and were also fleeing LA (or just commuting home?) clogged the road like a stick of butter in an artery. We weren’t going anywhere soon.

Luckily, we only had to get to Phoenix and we each had an Ice Blended in hand. We had made that the number one priority getting out the door. We also had the GPS programmed for the Coffee Bean that was furthest out from LA and had a cooler of ice waiting for the spare each of us would get.

I know you don’t believe me. But I really did this. Just ask Eli. I really like Mocha Ice Blendeds and no one does them like Coffee Bean. I also know that you now realize the cooler signifies that neither of us had yet burned out on the Mochas. This is sad. I failed. I worked really hard toward the goal of getting sick on them. I was up to four a day there at the end. Do you know how many calories are in those things? I didn’t eat much of anything else the last few days. I should have been really sick. What are they putting in them?

After breaking free of the knot of traffic, we accelerated and headed straight for Dallas - ahem, by way of Phoenix again. We got an audiobook - this time we checked to be certain it was on CD before buying - and listened all the way in to Phoenix.

We found a purveyor of crickets before hitting the hotel, where we carried the frogs right through the front lobby. The girls behind the desk squealed and jumped. Not in fear - no, they gushed ‘We heard there were frogs last week!’ and ‘They are so CUTE!’ We smile. Suck up, frogs. Be cute.

For the first time, we really crashed for the night. Even the sound of crickets meeting their end wasn’t enough to keep me up. But somehow I was awake with the dawn. Which was fine, we had a long day ahead of us. Besides, a friend in town had mentioned that Phoenix now had a . . . COFFEE BEAN! Well, you can guess where we headed.

After ransacking yet another Coffee Bean, we pulled out our second audiobook. I usually like the author we had just sacked. But not everything translates well to audio. I was scowling by the fifth time the story explained that the house was run down and the main character didn’t quite have the coin to fix it up. Really? Five explanations? There may have been more, but we wouldn’t know as we popped the CD out and hit the next Barnes & Noble standing monolithic on the side of the freeway. I may be a savant, but I’m smart enough to know when an author is talking down to me. And I’m smart enough to turn it off.

This time the book had merit and we listened avidly. Which was a good thing because this was the longest day of . . . well ever. As slow as the trip had been going out, it was slower traipsing back. We crossed two time zones against us this time - lost hours that felt as though we had stretched time into some endless taffy loop. Then there was the cruel trick played by the Texas Highway System. Remember, I mentioned the 80mph speed limit? Well, it turns out that’s just during daylight hours, and dusk hit just as we crossed the Texas border. The signs taunted us all the way back to Dallas. 80MPH - after dusk 15MPH. Okay, the 15 part is an exaggeration. But just a little. I swear 60 felt like we were in danger of seeing horse-drawn carriages pass us. Or maybe skateboarders.

Oh, do you also remember how I said the Texas landscape was barren and unchanging? Yeah, that’s ten times more so at night. I tried consoling myself by saying that I wouldn’t be any happier if I could see it. But that didn’t help much.

Eli passed out right after the audiobook ended and somehow I am driving in the dark all alone. I sing Metallica songs at full volume, but Eli doesn’t budge. What can I do? This is like so many nights, where everyone else has gone to sleep and I am still awake. But what I normally do is read.

After half an hour of nothing, I get really bored and decide to pick up a book. I got a lot of them at the Expo. I shuffle through the stack, trying to decide what to read. Who cares if I get pulled over? Maybe the flashing blue lights will wake Eli and get it across that it is no longer my turn to drive. Surely the police won’t ticket me - after all, I’m clearly not that bright, I’m just a savant.